Sex Retreat
by MrsMalfoy14
Summary: Hermione loves reading. That's a fact and it causes no harm. But when she reads about Dr Phil and his guide to better sex... It's Draco who'll be the one suffering. 4 weeks on a sex diet might indeed send him straight to St Mungo's!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello Hello!**

I'm back already with what's to be a small story, 5 chapters minimum and 10 max. It's nothing complicated really. Just an idea I took from a show and thought it might be funny as a fanfiction. Each chapter won't be very long (about 1000 words) and well... I just hope you like it! =) So let's give this a try and do let me know what you thought of it at the end pretty please!

**Hope you like it! **

I.

.

Dr. Phil's guide to better sex

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"Honey… I have great news!"

I smile as I walk into our bedroom. The sight of her simply gives me every reason to be happy.

"Oh really?" I ask suggestively.

"Yes! I've read this book and it suggests something amazing to improve our sex life…"

A perverted smile distorts my lips and I hurry to take my clothes off. It seems we're going to have a long night ahead of us…

"Hum…" I climb onto the bed, caressing her legs while I make my way up to those pink lips I love so much.

"No wait… You have to listen first…"

I frown my brows but I obey. There's no reason in arguing with Hermione Malfoy, even I know that by now.

"Sure love, go ahead then… but try to make it quick please I desperately want you!"

She smiles, rolling her eyes and I can't help the small smile that appears on my lips as well. How I had fallen in love with her I wasn't sure… But Merlin how I loved her…

"Ok so…" she starts with that singing voice of hers "According to Dr. Phil who wrote this book… There comes a time in a couple's life when they need to take some distances from all the sexual tension between them to better appreciate it at the end of their "retreat"…"

"Huh? What sexual tension are you talking about…? I thought we were pretty healthy sexually…"

"Well… Yes we are indeed…"

"So what's this you're talking about then?"

"Well… to put it simply we will not be having sex for the next 4 weeks so that when we finally get to do it we'll be able to enjoy it fully!"

She stares at me with one of her big beautiful smiles she gives when she wants me to give in to something but I'm not sure I grasp the meaning of her words yet.

It takes a whole minute for me to understand what she's saying and when I do…

"WHAT? You cannot be serious Hermione!" I shriek, my eyes widening with much exaggeration.

"Common Draco it won't be that bad… and imagine how good the sex will be after 4 weeks of abstinence…"

"The sex is PERFECT now Hermione! I don't need it to be any better I swear!"

"Yes it is but… It'll be even better!"

"No… No… You can't do this to me…"

To be honest here, I'm scared out of my mind. ME? Not have sex for FOUR weeks? That's pure torture! How the hell am I supposed to not have sex when she's wearing those small clothes and… At the thought of her in the shower I swallow hard, feeling the tears of despair behind my eyelids.

"Oh honey… it's not like we won't be having any sexual intercourse at all… "

Those words start soothing me a bit because I can feel the heart attack preying on me.

"Well… I guess I could do with just foreplay…" I grumble weakly.

"Oh… no… Baby you don't get it… We won't be having any of that either…"

"But you just said…"

"I meant by that that we'll be having spiritual sex…"

"Spiritual sex?" I'm sure I sound stupid as I repeat the words she had just said and I probably look it too but after all she is announcing me the end of the world so I have all the right.

"Yes! Spiritual sex! We'll get to enjoy each other's presence by doing sensual things… like couple's yoga… or taking baths together without touching each other."

I swallow hard. I'm in pain! In spiritual pain for that matter because there is no way I will survive 4 weeks without having sex…

"Love… why would you want to do such a thing to me? Have I not been good to you? Have I not loved you enough?" I feel like my voice sounds like a weep.

"Draco… it's not going to be that hard I promise! At the end of our 4 weeks of withdrawal the sex will be so amazing you'll thank me!"

"The sex is awesome now!" I repeat yet again.

"Well it'll get even better I promise!"

"So I can't have sex with my wife?"

"No love…"

"Well can I have sex with somebody else? The neighbor perhaps?"

"If you wish to still be married afterwards you might not want to go fornicate with the neighbor… Or anybody else for that matter!" she warns.

"What have I done to deserve this!" I cry out, looking up at the ceiling as if talking to the Gods.

I hear her laugh and I feel her hands draw circles on my chest.

"Can we at least have sex tonight to prep me for this journey through hell?"

"No Draco… Starting tomorrow we will have to spend the next four weeks without any sex at all so we might as well get a head start tonight…"

"So technically you want me to spend 4 weeks and one day without sex…"

By now I'm just desperate. My voice sounds like that of a child who hasn't reached puberty yet and I'm contemplating going to this Dr Phil's house to commit murder.

"Don't be so sad honey. You'll see in four weeks…"

"And one day…" I cut in miserably.

"Yes four weeks and one day" she laughs snuggling closer to me, "You'll thank me I promise."

"I doubt I will. Besides I might just be dead by then." I mutter.

She laughs a hearty laugh and brings her lips to my cheek before laying her head on my shoulder.

"Goodnight love."

"Hum… 'Night" I answer as I analyze the situation over again in my head.

After a while, I come up with the conclusion that I'm not going to spend 4 weeks **and one day** without having sex with the love of my life so I began forming an evil plan to ensure we have sex by the end of the week.

With that more cheerful thought in mind, I close my eyes, trying not to think of what the next days will be like.

.

.

**Soooo :)**

Chapter 1 is done! Very short but it's because I want to finish a story that is more than a TwoSHot for once! I'm hoping you guys will like it... oh and i'll most likely post a chapter every 2 to 3 days or so :) I already have 3 written in full so it shouldn't be so hard! So thanks for reading! And i hope to see you with the next chapter! :)

**Kisses,**  
><strong>MrsMalfoy.<strong>

****P.S: A review pretty please with cherry on top? :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello Loves,**

I know I said I'd have the second chapter uploaded a few days ago but there was a small internet problem at the house but now that it's all fixed... =DDD I'm too happy to post the second chapter to the story! I'm not all crazy it but I absolutely love chapter 3 so far so hang on! It's gonna get better I promise! =)

**Hope you don't hate it too much!**

II.

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Plan A : FAILED

.

"Marcus!" I scream form my office, "get me the blueprint for the structure on WesterField!"

Massaging my temples, I try to take my mind off the problem at hand.

"Hi mate" I hear as my door opens to let my business partner in.

"Hi" I grumble, moving some papers around my desk.

"Care to have lunch with Potter and I at the Lagoon?" Blaise Zabini asks.

"I'm not much for food nowadays but sure let's go. I need to get some air." I mumble.

"What's gotten into you today? I haven't seen you this grumpy in a while…"

"Humph long story…"

As we make our way out the building, I proceed to tell him about the ridiculous sex diet my wife has decided to put me on.

I should've known however that Blaise being the ex-slytherin he was would found no compassion into my situation. Instead, he was laughing so hard he could barely walk a straight line as it was.

Entering the small restaurant on Diagon Alley, I headed straight towards Potter, not caring to wait for my EX-friend.

"Potter…" I groan, pulling a chair and sitting down with my arms crossed over my chest.

"Malfoy…" He greets back. "What's gotten into him?" He asked, pointing to Blaise who was now holding onto the entrance door, laughing his guts out.

Picking up a menu in front of me, I royally ignore Zabini, answering nonchalantly to Potter that he was making fun of me for the predicament I was in.

Frowning his brows as Blaise finally calmed down and joined us, Potter, to my surprise asks:

"Is that book Hermione took that ridiculous idea from named 'Dr Phil's Guide to Better Sex' by any chance?"

"What?... Yes…! How did you know that?" I inquire.

Watching as Potter sunk deeper into his chair, I raised an eyebrow, still ignoring Blaise who apparently was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

"Pansy called me at work this morning blabbing about a certain Dr Phil and how we would not be having sex for the next 4 weeks…" he moped as Blaise burst out laughing again, tears now flowing freely down his cheeks. "I thought she was joking but now that you say Hermione has done the same thing to you…"

He swallowed hard, seeming to examine what options he might have at persuading Pansy to give up on her crazy idea. After a few minutes of looking gradually mentally defeated, he looked back to Blaise who by now had attracted everyone's attention to our table with his laughing tantrum.

"Zabini…" I hiss dangerously, "If you do not stop making fun of us right this second I swear I'll hex you into another nationality…"

Lifting his index finger to me, I see him breathe deeply in and out until there's only a small shake in his shoulders.

"Now that that is settled" he starts with a grin on the corner of his lips, "I find it necessary to ask that you both keep your wives away from mine before they implant their rather ridiculous ideas of forbidding sex into my lovely spouse's head. I do sympathize with your situation believe me but I'd much rather not have to sympathize with myself as well…"

Shooting him a glare, I look at Potter once more.

"What do you propose we do about this Scarhead because I'm not sure I'll be able to keep my sanity for much longer if I must go 4 weeks without making love to my wife…"

With a grimace, Potter snorts:

"You know… we might be friends but I'm still uneasy with your mentioning of having sex with my best friend…"

"Grow up mate you guys have much bigger problems!" Blaise interrupts rolling his eyes. "I think you guys should try seducing Pansy and Hermione until they give in."

"I thought about that but Hermione is downright stubborn. She'll manage to keep away from me…"

"So is Pansy…" Potter adds with the look of a defeated man.

"Well… your only option then is to find a substitute partner for the next four weeks…" Blaise chants with an evil grin.

"I really am this close to punching you Zabini…" Potter says, massaging his nose under his glasses.

We stay silent for a few more minutes, ignoring Blaise's here and there chuckles.

"Ok Potter… Here's what we're going to do… We're going to invite our wives to the restaurant tonight to try to knock some sense into their heads… And if that doesn't work… well, I'll be walking around my house naked until Hermione gives in and decides to put me out of my misery!"

"Enough with the graphics Malfoy!" Potter says wrinkling his nose. "But ok let's say tonight at 8 at the Yce Parlor?"

"Tonight then…"

"Oh this should be good!" Blaise says, incapable of wiping that stupid smirk off his face. "Can I be invited too?"

"NO!" both me and Potter answer at the same time.

Starting again with his fit of laughter, Blaise proceeds to telling us how life was going to be hard for us if we didn't get laid in the next couple of days.

"Should you punch him first or should I?" I ask Potter calmly.

.

.

One after the other, I popped the grapes into my mouth, absentmindedly looking over the Daily Prophet. I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn't hear the small 'pop' sound my wife made as she apparated into the living room.

As she walks in, her hair tied into a bun and her neck nicely exposed to my view, I swallow difficultly.

"Hi…" she says walking to me after dropping her bag on the counter.

For a second or so, I'm hoping she's going to kiss me so I close my eyes and tell myself that Dr Phil and his stupid guide were all a nightmare… but she leans in and kisses my cheek.

It takes me a few seconds to come back brutally to reality and when I do, I start a mental list of all the dark magic spells I can remember to use against that Dr. Phil.

"Hi love…" I mumble, reluctantly letting her put her arms around my neck.

If she wasn't going to kiss me or have sex with me why on earth was the woman touching me like that, only making me hornier than I already was…?

"We're having dinner tonight with Potter and Pansy at the Yce Parlor" I say, watching her as she nods and takes one of my grapes and pops it into her mouth.

I want to tell her that her beloved Dr Phil didn't allow her to share my food if she wasn't at least going to kiss me but I stop as she leans in and rests her head on my shoulder.

"Ugh I had such a terrible day at work today… The major potions for SeaGull Potions Inc aren't ready and they're due by next Monday!"

Breathing in deeply the sweet vanilla smell of her hair, I bring my hand up to caress her back leisurely, repressing the thoughts that already started blooming in my head.

"I'm sure you'll get it done in time…"

"I hope so…" she yawns. "Where are the kids anyway?"

"Scorpius is somewhere around the house doing Merlin knows what; Xane is spending the night at Blaise's house with Matthew; Ax' and Stark are fast asleep."

"Oh good then I have a few minutes to relax. I'm going to take a bath you're coming?"

For an instant I wonder if she enjoys torturing me because I mean WHY would I want to take a bath with her if I was going to come out of it more frustrated than I already was…

"Uh… are you going to be fully clothed in this bath?"

"Why of course not honey…" she laughs.

"Well then I think I'll pass love… I'm already sexually deprived enough as it is…"

"I think you're making this way worse than it is baby but ok we'll do it some other time then."

She gives me a quick peck on the lips and makes her way upstairs, leaving me with the unhealthy thought of her in the tub with absolutely no clothes on…

I gulp. Get up. Go straight to the liquor cabinet. Pull out a bottle of firewhiskey and down the acrid liquid straight from the bottle.

There… I feel better. Maybe I could be a drunk for the next for weeks?

.

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**So there it was...**

I like seeing it as a transition chapter so excuse me if it wasn't so exciting :/ Stay put for chapter 3! I should be posting it very soon... And even sooner if i get a few reviews :P lol joking.

**Kisses,**  
><strong>Mrs Malfoyy. <strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Ciao Loves!**

So here's chapter 3 =D i absolutely loved writing it i'm not sure why but I hope you like it! =) Thanks a million to those who took the time to review so far! I LOVE YOU for doing so 3 and I hope i'm not deceiving any of you so far!

**=) **

**.**

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III.

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Plan B : Baby Bunny.

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_Dear Dr Phil…_

_I honestly curse the day you were born. I mean are you sure you're even a man? Because in all honesty I doubt any man worthy of that name would ever even think of writing a book as absurd as yours. I mean really ABSTAIN SEX FOR 4 WEEKS? I must ask what the bloody hell was going through your mind at the time you wrote this bowl of crap you call a guide to better sex because I cannot conceive any good reason why a MAN would propose to the feminine sex that they retain sex for longer than a few days at most. _

_Anyway, you'll be happy to know I'm doing my very best at the moment to ban your books from every single bookstore in the world and also if you find a few policemen on your stoop one morning, know that my petition to send you to jail has brilliantly succeeded. _

_Sincerely,_

_Draco Malfoy._

Satisfied with my letter, I attach it to my owl. I feel the least I can do is tell this Dr Philischmuckbuckethead how I feel about his crappy guide.

As it is now, the plan A Potter and I had come up with failed miserably the very minute we introduced the subject over dinner yesterday. Pansy and Hermione both made it clear that it wasn't even necessary that we try to convince them.

So here I am. Analyzing plan B. Not to walk around the house naked for Merlin's sake, I do have 4 children!

No… Plan B being doing every single thing in my power to have Hermione want me so much she'll be the one begging for sex. Potter came up with that bright idea and since I really have no other alternatives, I'll have to settle with it.

A small knock on my door tells me the important guests I'd been waiting for have arrived.

I open the door to let two lovely girls into my office.

"Hello Daddy" Axiliah, the oldest one, greets as she walks into the room, dragging her little sister by the hand behind her.

"Why hello my loves" I pick both of them up into a hug.

"Daddy… Isn't this a business meeting?" Axiliah reprimands, "Must I remind you we need to keep it formal?"

"Uh… Yes sorry love, I mean Miss Malfoy… Please… Take a seat…"

"Daddy I need help!" Starkaliss says standing in front of the chair waiting for me to put her into it.

"Yes right away…"

"So what's this about…? We have a tea party to attend in a few minutes…"

I snicker at how impatient my 7 year old can be.

"Well Ax'… I need you girl's help with something…"

"I figured that much…" She says, rolling her eyes, "However can we help?"

Leaning against my desk, I proceed to tell them the first part to my plan.

"Hum… I think we can do that…" Axiliah says slowly, tapping her chin with her index. "But what do we get out of it?"

"Yes what do we get 't'of it?" Starkaliss repeats, smiling with all her missing teeth.

"I'm getting bribed by a 7 year old and a 4 year old isn't that lovely!" I mutter with a smirk.

"Well we are your daughters dear daddy… what is it they say? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!" Axiliah grins evilly.

"Yeah yeah yeah nonsense! I'll take both of you to Your Uncle Weasleys shop for some treats, how does that sound?"

"Yayyy! Can we go tomorrow then?" Stark' agrees immediately as Axiliah seems to take a moment to analyze the offer.

"I think I want a poney…"

"A poney?" I repeat dumbfounded. "What do you plan to do with a poney?"

"I want to kill it and cook it for dinner…" She says looking at me disbelievingly. "l ride it of course! I wonder about you mental abilities sometimes Daddy…"

"_Oh the evil little witch"_ I think very loudly. But I refrain myself from wording such thoughts out loud as that would evidently compromise the completion of the plan.

"Fine Pickle… I'll get you a poney but only if the plan is completed to my satisfaction…"

"Dad… I really don't like it when you call me pickle…" she frowns, "But it's a deal! Goodbye now Father! Come on Stark' let's go to our tea party!"

"Bye Daddy!" Starkaliss sings as she hugs my legs and runs out the room with her sister.

.

.

Later that day…

"MUMMMM!"

"I'm the kitchen honey!" Hermione responded cutting the carrots into little circles.

From the corner of her eye, she watched as the two little girls came running into the kitchen.

"Hey mummy…"

"Hello sweethearts. Dinner's almost ready… Are you girls hungry?"

"Yes very!" Starkaliss sang, struggling to hike up her chair.

With Hermione's help, she sat down, imitating her sister's stance.

"So mum… Me and Stark' were thinking…" Axiliah started, resting her head into her right hand.

"Stark and I honey not the other way 'round"

"Oops sorry. So yes… You know how you said it was easy to make babies?"

Stopping her carrot slicing process, Hermione turned around, looking suspiciously at the two blonde girls sitting around the island.

"Yes…"

"You said all you had to do was bring eggs to the Baby Bunny and he'd make his magic happen for you to have a baby…"

"Uh… Yes I remember that…"

"Well… we were thinking we wanted a baby brother…"

"Or sister!" Starkaliss pitched in kicking her feet about under the table.

"Brother or sister yes… So I've decided that since you were too busy with work to do it yourself, Stark' and I would do it for you!"

Choking in her glass of water, Hermione coughed. For some odd reason, there was that Malfoyish look in Axiliah's eyes and so she couldn't help wondering if Draco was behind all this.

"Did your father put you up to this, girls?" She asked slowly, examining every one of Axiliah's features for her reaction.

"Why would daddy put us up to this? Are you two mad at each other?" the older girl asked as innocently as an angel, looking at her mother through her desperately grey eyes.

"Uh… of course not honey…"

"Well then why are you even asking mum? Anyways, it's just that me and Stark'… oops Stark' and I, want a sibling to play with…"

"Can I have some juice mummy?" Starkaliss asked in that singing voice of hers, not really understanding what was going on.

"Hum… sure honey" she poured her daughter a glass of apple juice while asking "But Ax' love… you have 2 older brothers… Why don't you play with them?"

"Because DUH mummy, they're old. They don't like playing with dolls and having tea parties with us anymore…" she said, all the while looking utterly saddened by her statement. "All they ever want to do is play quidditch and since you won't let daddy teach me how to ride a broom…" she trailed, wrinkling her nose and taking a sip of her little sister's drink.

"I see… Well Pickle, the Baby Bunny is on vacation this month…" she coughed, finding it ridiculous to be lying over such an unreal matter.

"Oh really…" Axiliah trailed, squinting her eyes and looking suspiciously at her mother whom she knew was lying. "He must really love then me because I wrote him a letter along with the eggs Stark' and I sent, and he said he'd be more than happy to put a baby into your stomach tonight!"

She exhibited all her teeth as she watched her mother's face grow red.

"And he said that by February of next year, 9 months from now, our baby brother or sister will be born. He said I could count on him for certain!"

"Did he really?" Hermione asked, feeling nervous all of a sudden.

"Oh yes he did!" Axiliah said as she hoped off the chair and went over her mother, patting her stomach slowly "See you soon little baby…"

She flashed an almost evil smile at her mum and went on to help Starkaliss off her chair to then run back to their room.

All the while, Hermione watched, wondering if she should break her daughter's heart by telling her she lied and that there was no Baby Bunny or if perhaps she should put the sex retreat off to another time… Merlin only knew how badly she wanted to have sex with her husband anyway…

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**So there it was! =)**

I really really hope you liked itttt! And maybe if you have a second you can let me know in a few words, I'd really appreciate it! You have no idea how happy i get when i receive a review!  
>But anyways, I was wondering if you guys would actually like to have a little <strong>PansyHarry episode** in one of the upcoming chapters... **Yes? No? Bad idea?** I mean i thought it could be interesting to see how they're dealing with the whole sex diet thing lol so just let me know i guess...

Kay well the next chapter should be up before next friday and maybe before if i'm done with it!

**Kisses,**  
><strong>Mrs Malfoyy <strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello Loves,**

I know i said the chapter would've been up by friday but school has started and apparently the teachers don't understand that the first week of classes should only be for distributing syllabi -_- but anyways, today is only saturday so i hope you forgive me! So here's the 4th chapter!

**I hope you enjoy it! =)**

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**.**

**IV.**

**.**

Attacking Part 2 of Plan B.

**.**

"Hello hello!" I chant as I walk into the living room, kissing my wife lightly on the cheek and pulling out a bouquet of red roses from behind my back. "For you my lady…"

"What has you in such a good mood today?" she asks looking suspiciously at me through her long lashes.

"Don't go worrying your pretty little head love, I didn't have sex with the neighbor… not yet at least."

"Hum…Well thank you for the flowers then" she says, taking the roses from me and getting up to go put them into a vase.

Finding the situation perfect seeing as she couldn't reach for the top shelf were the vases were, I walk up behind her, stepping so close to her back that her stubborn frizzy hair is almost up my nose. As I feel her tense up, I manage to hide the smirk creeping up on my lips, lifting my arm slowly around her to grab the crystal vase.

Putting my free hand across her stomach, I turn her around slowly to face me, feeling her breathing speed up as I purposely let my fingers brush against a small exposed part of her hip. My pulse quickens as well but I summon it back to stability. Looking into her hazel eyes for a few seconds before bringing my mouth close to her ear, I whisper as I put the vase into her hands:

"Here you go love…"

I stay by her ear a few seconds longer as I feel her cut her breathing short, slightly parting her lips.

For my last act, I bring my hand to caress the small bone behind her ear and bring it down leisurely to her still parted pink lips.

"You look beautiful today… Hades only knows what I want to do to you…"

I give her a small distressed smile before slowly letting my arm drop back to my side and turning around to go sit in one of the couches. Picking up the book she was previously reading when I walked in, I hide my face behind it, unable to stop grinning as she's still standing where I left her, seemingly frozen.

I have to yell mentally at myself as a strong desire to start dancing the samba – which mind you I don't even know how to dance – dawns over me.

From the corner of my eye, I see her finally come back to her senses.

"Hum, hum…" She coughs before going over to the kitchen to fill up the vase. "Huh… Axiliah came to me yesterday talking about how she wanted a baby sibling… Are you behind any of this by any chance?"

"What? A new sibling? Doesn't she have enough?" I say, boringly turning the pages of the book. "And besides… I'm not quite ready to go through the whole pregnancy thing again… Your four kids have exhausted my parenting resources…" I add, wrinkling my nose and putting up my most serious face.

"My four kids huh?" She says after a few minutes of examining my face to decide whether or not I was telling the truth.

I suppose she decided I look sincere enough – although she should know better… – because she puts the vase down on the dining table.

"Whatever did you tell that little monster anyway?" I ask as she makes her way back to the living room and lies against my shoulder.

"Well nothing really… she brought up the Baby Bunny story and I wasn't sure what exactly to say… I suppose we could just tell her the Baby Bunny wasn't very successful…"

"You propose we lie to our daughter then?" I ask in a sarcastic disbelieving manner.

"No… But there isn't much we can tell her…"

"Well let's see…You can do the necessary to ensure she has her sibling in 9 months or… You can tell her how you turned into the Dark Lord and decided to put me on a painful sex diet for the next 4 weeks… It's up to you honey!"

"Oh stop whining already! We're doing good… It's been three days already!"

"I'm unsure you know how many times I've contemplated masturbation in these three days and I've never masturbated a day in my life… Oh or how many books I've researched to know if there wasn't a law against sex abstinence! And let's not forget the numerous homicides I've committed against your beloved Dr Phil in my head! I've officially attained the status of a serial killer thanks to you dear!"

As I elaborate on my journey through those miserable past 3 days, she apparently finds it hilarious because she goes into a typical Zabini laughing tantrum. Although I feel my stomach tie multiple knots on itself because of these three days of sex deprivation, I can't help but smile, realizing for the millionth time how much I loved the evil witch Hermione was.

"I'm glad you find this oh so amusing… As a punishment, I won't have sex with you tonight" I say with a fake pout. "Oh no wait you've already banned sex from my life for 4 weeks!"

"And one day!" She smiles, rolling her eyes at me.

"Very funny Hermione! You should be a comedian…"

"Oh wouldn't you love that! Common' we're going to have a spiritual sex session to cheer you up…"

"You know… If I didn't know better I'd think you want to kill me or push me to commit suicide…" I mop, letting her pull me by the hand towards our bedroom, her long curls bouncing around her face as she laughs.

"So we have a few options… One, take a bath together. Two, have an intimate yoga session. Three, have a sort of foreplay session without the sex or any foreplay per se…"

"Cross 3 out the list. That's pure torture and if you're into those sorts of things, I've have enough of it when my father was around."

"It's not torture Draco!" She laughs, rolling her eyes once more.

"You need to stop rolling your eyes like that love… It has some sort of sex appeal to me. It reminds me of those great times your eyes used to roll back to the back of your head when you reached your climax. Every time you do it now, it takes away the little bit of sanity I have left…"

"Whoever told me to marry the Prince of sarcasm!" she said, exaggerating a roll of her eyes.

"Do you have a fourth option?" I beg.

"Well… I suppose you could give me a massage…It'd relax me a bit."

My brain has this ability to associate words with pictures. An ability that believe me I loathe heartedly if I may say so. And so, as it goes on, elaborating the contours of her naked body drenched in oil and my hands rubbing every inch of it, I gulp hard. My eyes become enflamed and my mouth starts watering. But it's nothing compared to the growth I start noticing in my pants.

_Oh Dearest Merlin please let me wake up from this nightmare! I promise I won't exchange Potter's cologne with my wife's perfume anymore. And I won't put hallucinogens in Blaise's coffee either. And I won't sneak up on Potter screaming Voldemort is back, either… _I cry out mentally, closing my eyes tightly while hoping desperately for my wish to come true.

"So what's it going to be honey?" her small voice asks.

_Anytime now Merlin… WHENEVER YOU'RE READY!_

**.**

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**=)**

I know i wrote this and i shouldn't love it so much but i absolutely love Draco in this. I'm not great at the whole humour thing -And in real life i actually have a very dry humor- but i hope it's not so terrible!  
><strong>THANK YOU THANK YOU<strong> a million times to those of you who reviewed! You can't possibly understand how happy you make me =D And I hope i'm upholding the idea you had of the story so far... And if not, well let me know how i can improve it! I'm always open! =)

So the next chapter should be up by next saturday _ let's say sunday just to be safe!_ I hope i'll get a few reviews again =D

**See you next week end!**  
><strong>MrsMalfoyy <strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Hum... Hello? Don't kill me? =)**

So... I had written the whole chapter like 3 months ago but it disappeared and i was overly frustrated and i just could not write it over again. And then there was school, and graduation soon and life and a whole bunch of excuses and i feel terrible for not posting in so long and i know you must hate me and i can't find any really good excuses and i feel ashamed and i'm hoping you'll still stick with me until the end and I also hope you'll like the chapter AND i'm talking way too much!

**Just go read the bloody chapter if you're still up to it =))))**

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V.

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It's over!

.

"Hermione, this isn't fun…"

"You've been in the water for two minutes what exactly are you complaining about!"

"Well let's see… Might be the fact that you're rubbing every inch of your bare skin up and down my body… or that you tied my hands therefore preventing me to take any advantage in this…"

"You're not even giving it a chance to be fun…" she said seriously, rolling her eyes at me.

"There's nothing to be fun about this. I've gone 3 whole days with this nonsense, I'm not sure how much more I can endure without tying you down to a bed or drugging you to have sex with you at last with or without your approval!"

"All you've done from day 1 is complain. You haven't tried once to actually give this thing a chance!" she said raising her voice slightly, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Ok I'm not going to have an argument with you over why trying to go 4 weeks without having sex is not a good idea and isn't appealing to me at all. I'm going to bed." I said with much frustration as I got up, reaching for my wand to untie my hands.

Wrapping my waist with a towel in an unhurriedly manner, I see her pout from the corner of my eye.

"You should sleep in the guest bedroom if that's how it's going to be…"

My eyes fly open in shock as I've never had to sleep anywhere else but our bed in the entirety of our 14 years of marriage. Opting to shut up instead of saying something overly rude, I tie the towel and shoot her one last glare before exiting the bathroom furiously.

My pajamas on and a blanket in my hands, I make my way downstairs to the living room, throwing myself on the couch and turning on the TV.

All at the same time, I felt furious, horny as hell, and desperately disturbed by the fact that Hermione and I were somewhat in a fight.

We'd never been in a fight before. We used to bicker, that's true. We bantered for most of our marriage but I NEVER had to sleep anywhere else but in my own bed. And who was she anyways to tell me to go sleep elsewhere! She came up with her stupid idea of this sex retreat so if somebody was supposed to sleep on this couch it was her! Not me!

I'm too young not to be having sex. And I'm too old to be fighting with my wife but somehow, my mind was refusing the idea of going up to her to apologize for whatever it was I was supposed to apologize for.

Besides, if she hadn't started this no sex for 1 month business, we wouldn't be arguing right now… We'd probably be having hot sex in the pool…

Grunting as I pictured the scene, I went over to the refrigerator and downed a big glass of cold water. I've been told it helps reduce erection… Don't ask who I've heard this from but let's just say he has a stupid bloody scar in the middle of his big blasted forehead.

My mind rushing over the past few days, I grunt, wondering seriously how I was going to survive the next few weeks if Hermione didn't stop this nonsense. I mean if my will power was stronger than my "mini-me" it wouldn't be such a problem. But in the matters of the flesh, I am completely powerless!

The pounding in my head increases exponentially and before I know it I fall asleep only to be awaken by the presence of another body on the couch.

Groggily, I open my eyes and prop myself on my elbow.

"Oh…" Hermione whispers sheepishly, "I didn't want to wake you…"

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes… I just… I couldn't sleep…" she adds as I sit up to give her some space to do so as well.

We stay in silent for a moment.

"Draco, I don't like when we fight… I don't like sleeping in our bed by myself. I don't like knowing I'm going to sleep mad at you."

"I don't like it either Hermione… But I don't know how much more of this I can handle… I'm willing to try my hardest although to be honest with you I still believe this sex retreat is bollocks. But I'm willing to try because I somewhat still love you… I don't know for how much longer that is…"

She snorts at my miserable attempt at a joke and hits my arm lightly.

"You just can't torture me with those "sexual exercises" like that love. I am a man after all and there is only so much I can handle when it comes to you naked…"

My voice gets husky as it trails over the thoughts behind my words. I look at her and I know my eyes reflect the same passion burning in her hazel ones.

"I know… I'm sorry, I just wanted it to work but I guess I should know better than teasing you … So I thought about it and if you want to put an end to it then I won't mind…"

It seems like all of a sudden all my _joie de vivre_ is back. I feel as excited as an owl being offered a mouse for desert. As it is now, I feel like I could do that hula hoop thing Ax' and Stark' are always doing. I start thinking about sending the kids away to my mother's house for the rest of the month so I can enjoy my wife's lovely body 24/7.

But the look in her eyes somehow manages to make me say something completely incoherent, something not even a crazy person would say:

"No… I know you want to try this so like I said, I'm willing to give it a try…"

My throat closes immediately. I'm shocked at my own words. After they leave my mouth, a million thoughts start bouncing around in my head, mainly WHY I had agreed to this ONCE MORE! Wasn't the first time enough? Here I was, being offered a chance at having sex with Hermione right this second and I say no! It was as absurd as a person being offered to be freed from Azkaban legally and yet refusing the opportunity! If that makes any sense at all to anyone then I'm declaring that the end of the world is in the next couple of hours.

As I realize the grandeur of my stupidity, I literally feel like I'm going to cry. Ok, perhaps I'm being a bit of a drama-queen but still, to know that I have CHOSEN to extend my misery when I had the choice to end it makes me wonder seriously about my mental abilities. I put it on my to-do list to stop by the psychiatric ward of St Mungo's as soon as possible.

I finally come back to reality to see a bright smile on Hermione's face.

"You really would do that?" she asks.

I'm tempted a million times to say "Well actually love, I think my brain was zapped when I said that so now that everything is clear again in there, I don't think that's such a good idea after all…"

I have to fight for a good while with my thoughts before I finally sigh:

"Yes… I really would…"

There goes the burn of self-betrayal in my throat again. As I'm back to contemplating my options to end this retreat before it ends me, she wraps her arms around my neck.

"Thank you…"

Then before I know it, a bright idea illuminates the darkness of my brain.

"Don't thank me quite yet…" I whisper, pulling her in closer to me so that she sat on my lap. "I have one request…"

She squints in suspicion as she studies my facial expression carefully.

I try my best not to snicker as my plan develops slowly in my head.

"What is it then?"

I pull her even closer. Our faces are not far from each other now. Just a few millimeters. I look deep into her eyes and down to her lips.

I can see her inhaling in surprise as she understands what my request is.

I slide my hands inside her shirt – actually inside my shirt since the one she's wearing is mine – and let my fingers run up and down her back. She shifts nervously on my lap, hungry for more. All the while, I don't move my eyes from her lips. I lick the bottom of mine and bite down on it as I move my hands from her back to her stomach. I go up slowly, tracing the contours of her belly button before I finally get a hold of her perked breasts. I run my thumbs over them lightly just as a deep sound emerges from her throat.

I do it again, this time bringing my mouth to her ear:

"My request is that I be able to at least kiss you and touch you whenever I want…"

I feel her swallow hard. By now, I know I won. Well… one could argue that I lost the major battle but still, for now, I won. Let's leave it at that!

I bring my eyes back to hers, trying my best to refrain the thoughts of ripping her clothes off.

The wait is killing me… But finally, a small mischievous smile appears on her lips and before I know it, her lips crash onto mine.

Just like that, I can feel the orgasm creeping up.

Danm it, now a simple kiss brings me close to an orgasm. I'm ruined. Forever. What a disgrace to the Malfoy name!

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**Sooooo?**

What did we think? Maybe we still hate me but i'm begging for forgiveness so i hope you'll be kind-hearted! =) I won't say exactly when i'll be posting the next chapter because i'm graduating in 3 weeks and the amount of work i have to hand in by then is ridiculous but i can promise you that it won't take me another 3 months to do so! Lets hope for sooner than later!

**Kisses Loves,  
>MrsMalfoyy.<strong>


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